the end of a chapter, the start of a new

As I sit here at my computer, listening to Azure Ray - where I've spent countless hours over the last year - it seems only fitting, that here I should sit - as I close out the end of my year long maternity leave.

I know it might seem petty - to be so subdued about returning to work, but really - it's more than that - it's the end of great chapter. This is likely the last year away from my work as a nurse (albeit I only work part time), to spend with my babies. To manage life, right from here. Home. All the time. Every morning - see their sweet faces as they wake, and every night - tuck them into bed, and most often - lay with them until they are safe asleep in that wonderful land. There is nothing in the world that would be able to help me put into words how profound that is to me. Nothing.

As a girl, I would always claim that I 'knew' I wanted three or four kids. That thought went on throughout my early adult life ... and was the same as my husbands, we discovered once we had met. Eventually we had two beautiful babies, Tatum and Brock - but it always felt like there was something more for our family, that we didn't yet have. We continually tossed the idea around after Brock was born, about a third. I would go through months of thinking "YES! Let's do it!!" ... and then quickly become overwhelmed with life ... and think "oy ... not so sure". At some point we had decided that we would start to try for our precious third baby in January. Once we had decided - I had a meltdown - and everything inside of me screamed "NOOOOO!".

We didn't try.

I trusted my gut, and resorted to hardcore prayer ... every night. Often I'd fall asleep praying ... asking if we were good enough, if we had what it took ... if we were meant to be blessed with another baby. At the end of that month, I will never forget the calm, peaceful feeling that over took my heart and soul. We were ready. I felt we had the go ahead. I knew we could do it.

As with all three kids - we were blessed to conceive the very first month. Still to this day, I'm greatful for that. But throughout my pregnancy with Sophie - I wavered - I was happy - and then terrified. I was so scared we had made a mistake, and were bringing into the world something beautiful, that we couldn't handle. It was a terrible feeling that I carried throughout the nine months, off and on. As Sophie was a booked c-section, I remember driving myself to the hospital early in the morning, it was dark out. The streets were bare, except for my vehicle. Rod would wait at home - and bring Tatum and Brock to my mom's, and then meet me at the hospital.

Driving slowly, I felt a kick to the bottom left side of my abdomen. I reached across with my right hand, and knew full well it was the foot. Of my baby. I was overcome with a deep sadness that I wasn't filled with eternal joy, that in a few short hours I would meet our sweet baby number three. Gut-wrenching horror, that I wasn't thrilled that I was going to be a new momma of a happy and healthy baby. I was a pathetic 'mother' who felt no attachment.

I turned into the hospital. The hospital that I work at - and call my co-workers friends. I checked in, signed on the dotted line. As I was lead to my room, she carried my bag for me down the long quiet hall that I had walked a thousand times. Thankfully, she let me walk in silence. We reached my room - and she transferred me over to the other nurses. We went over what would need to be done in the next 60 minutes, and it got done. I was so greatful to be in the hands of friends, really, there is no experience like having your co-workers care for you.

Wondering what do do next - as I had 30 minutes to wait until they called on us. I pulled out the three leather bound journals Rod had bought me for each child. I decided to write in Sophie's first ... though we didn't know she was going to be a 'Sophie' - I was convinced we were having a boy. Soon - it was time to go. Rod arrived just in time, with the news that he had safely stowed Tatum and Brock with my mom ... along with their gift - each got a digital camera to be opened with my mom - that they would bring to the hospital. I had told Tatum that I was so excited that she would get to hold the baby before me. I was rolled off to the OR - I had worked there casually - so I knew well the drill. As it came time for my spinal, the anesthetist whom I adore almost above all others, graced me with his angelic smile. He had returned within a couple weeks of us arriving from a leave of his own. He had just conquered cancer. He is amazing, and is forever etched into my soul.

The machines were performing as normal, and the chit-chat among the OR was routine. I was nervous, even shaking. Behind the blue drape that separated my glance from my shoulders to my abdomen, was Rod - sitting beside me, holding my hand, that was strapped to a black padded board. The other arm was lent to a blood pressure cuff inflating every five minutes. The beep signifying the beat of my heart was in the distance, be it three feet from my head. I knew the sounds of the equipment, the meaning of their use, and I was greatful to be in such competent and loving care. I felt the eventual prodding, and knew what exactly what happening. They were getting a grasp on my sweet baby, they had entered that part of my tummy. Soon - I heard the heavenly sound of one of my most respected doctors telling us that we had a girl. I was blown away - and as I had tears streaming down the sides of my cheeks - not able to wipe them away, or touch my new baby - both arms secured to boards outstretched - I heard Rod's shakey voice repeat softly "it's a girl". That's the first time I've ever heard his voice quiver. Ever. A healthy baby girl left the OR with Rod moments later, soon to be joined with her brother and sister, my sister and both grandmas.

It's true what they say. You have room in your heart for one more. Sophia - Sophie - is one more, and we have made room. Our family is amazing. We're strong, healthy, and thankful for everything we have.

A year ago - nearly - I wrote a post. With a baby on my chest. Today - the last day of my maternity leave, I awoke with Brock beside me in our bed. Not unusual, more like a regular occurance. I was awake, and he didn't know it ... I had heard Sophie stirring. He started to stir, somehow he knows when I'm about to leave the bed. He sat up - his eyes still asleep, and said "I want to give you a hug.". My heart about died. Before it got revved up for the day. He is such a daddy's boy ... and for those to be his first words, and action, I was overflowing. By the time our hug was finished, I floated out of bed and down the hallway. Into Sophies room I went. She was sitting in her crib, looking straight at the door. Everytime I walk into her room, my heart bounces, and then stops. I don't know what it is about her - but she takes my breath away - and makes me thank God each and every time. She's beautiful. I can't imagine why I needed to go through my pregnancy disconnected with her. But it's come around full circle - and I. am. connected. with. her. She has completed my life. I scooped her up, and brought her to our rocking chair that I routinely nurse her in. As I was nursing her, the door opened, and in came Tatum. She had on a smile straight from Heaven. Before me, she kissed Sophie. Who stopped nursing, and was grinning from ear to ear at the sight of her sister. She then kissed me, and again - my world stopped. She is so amazingly beautiful, and loving, and caring. I don't know how I am deserving of such beauty, but apparently, I am. The big kids went fishing with Rod for the day - and Sophie and I hung out together.

Evening came. A year ago - I was so severly nervous of disrupting the big kids' life with a new baby. When Sophie came home, one of the posts I made that sticks out in my mind, was one where I wrote about nothing other than the sounds of the clicking of the keyboard, the ticking of the clock on the wall, and the beautiful baby breathing on my chest ringing in my mind. Well, incidentally, the evening played out a little differently tonight. They bathed. And then I started with the littlest first, as usual. I dressed beautiful Sophie in Brock's old jammies, and rocked and nursed her. She looked deep into my eyes, reaching her pudgy little hand up to my mouth. When I kissed the tips of her fingers, she smiled. She rubbed my chest when I stopped, and nuzzled her head into my arm. I can only recall one night since she's been born that I haven't put her to bed. It brings tears to my eyes. My job is working evenings, and this weekend, I won't be putting them to bed.

When Sophie was into her crib, I turned on the music that Brock surrendered a week ago to her. She waved to me, I left smiling saying "mommy loves you", closed the door, and turned the bathroom fan on. I walked into the big kids room, we read a book - Charlottes Web - and Brock turned the light out; his job. Tatum wanted to sleep in Brocks bottom bunk, because it's warmer. She was by the wall, Brock in the middle, and I on the outside. I was turned on my right side, with my left leg stretched over so that Tatum's and mine were inter-twinned. My right arm spanned under the pillows. I had Brock completely encompassed; his little three year old body was curved with mine, and my right hand coming out under the pillows able to brush his face, and his left hand holding my arm - with the hand that was holding Tatum's. Every single appendage I had was attached to them.

My dad - Wilf Kinney - who was an amazing man in his own right - loved music. And he loved to write and draw. He loved his family above all else. One of the songs that he wrote, and finished in Seattle, had the words " ... together in this universe, we are as one ...". That is true. I've come full circle this year. From thinking I'm taking away from my big kids lives, to realizing that I'm giving to them. That's huge to me.

October is a big month in our family. October 12th is the 20th anniversary of my beautiful dad's death. October 15th is my amazingly beautiful mom's birthday - she was widowed three days before her 35th birthday. And October 16th is Sophia Jinsei's birthday. It's all bitter sweet ... fall season, with the sugar beet harvest in full swing, rendering it impossible for us to lavish in one event without remembering the others.

I don't imagine many have got to the end of this post - but if you have - bless your heart :) I'm going to complete it with a picture of my sweet third baby, the reason of my third maternity leave, coming towards her special momma. Good Lord - have I got it good?!